Romans 12:12
Have you ever gone through parts of your life where you hold your own head up, and secretly (or maybe not so secretly) think that you know what's going on, you have it all together, you hold within your own hands the reigns to your own life? Have you ever gone through days where you wake up and think solely of the things you need to do, the tasks you need to complete, the work that you must do, the food you want to eat, the nap you wish you had time to take, and how unfair the struggles you were going through seemed?
In other words, have you ever been like I have been lately?
Goodness, talk about being humbled. This summer really is teaching me a lot. It's been one of the hardest, loneliest, and most depressing summers I think I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing. You see, I came all the way back to Arkansas this summer, like I have previously stated, and I was really excited to get to live with my family again. I love them so much, probably more than they will ever know.
However, I did not take into account, before I had successfully packed heavy duty trash bags with all of my possessions from college (by the way, have you ever noticed that the return trip always seems to have wayyyy more than what you brought to school? like, exponentially so?), that this summer in Paragould, Arkansas would be one that would seriously test my strength, my spirit, and my heart.
I came home to see my family and make some dough before jet-setting off to Europe for a month, not to have my spirit be brought into the desert, into the wilderness. I mean, I needed a break from the hectic going-ons of a college Freshman. Isn't summer break supposed to be just that, a break?
Man, I could not have been more wrong.
Maybe I was being a control freak of my own life because I was a college Freshman, maybe it was because I was "finding myself," maybe it was because I was stressing myself out with thoughts, dreams, and plans of the future.
Or maybe, it was and is because I have a calloused heart, and I'm simply a selfish sinner? Yea, sounds more like it.
When I saw what my life had become, how I limited God to whispered prayers before meals, thought unspoken concerns on the bridge of a deep slumber, and only saw Him as some bright light in the distance, after my rescue from my loneliness, I choked. I literally did not know what to do.
Who had I become? How could this have happened to me, when my desire was to solely set my life after Jesus?
The questions I ended up asking, and which ended up turning everything I knew, and everything that was comfortable, upside down and topsy-turvy, were "What needs to change? How can I get closer to Jesus? Will you meet me here Jesus, even though I am so unworthy of ever dwelling in Your presence?"
And the sweet resolution to these questions is a life set on a new track, a life fueled only by the desires of our Father, the gentle prodding of the Holy Spirit, and the warm arms of Jesus.
This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies says: 'Return to Me, and I will return to you.'
Zechariah 1:3
Jesus gave me this verse when I was especially low the other night. When I read it, it felt like Jesus was sitting next to me, with His arms around me, comforting me. He did not say that He will return on certain conditions. He didn't say that He has some bones to pick with me before moseying on over to a dark room on a stormy night in Paragould, Arkansas. He did not say that He was upset with me, and He needed to simmer down a little before forgiving me.
No, Jesus once again reminded me of the unchanging truth that I am, and forever will be, covered in His blood. I was made for Him, and He longed to return to me, to come alive once again in the heavy beats of my heart.
It's not an easy point in life, because it is a huge transition for me. I have never been here before, and it feels completely foreign. Yet, I just know, Jesus wants me in this place. He wants to teach me. He wants to humble me. He wants to wrap me in his light, cutting through all of the darkness.
I did not and will not and could not ever hold the reigns of my own life. No, that responsibility rests in Christ alone.
He reigns.
Now, all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you into His glorious presence without a single fault. All glory to Him who alone is God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are His before all time, and in the present, and beyond all time! Amen.
Jude 1:24,25
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